my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
