I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Is it penis luge time yet?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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