oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
