Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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