Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
