Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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