are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
