When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
