Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
