i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
