Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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