Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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