fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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