Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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