I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
