Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
