I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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