I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
