he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
