You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
