We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
