i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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