a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
