So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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