Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
