Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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