i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
