Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
