She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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