Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she told me i tasted like america
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
whose parrot is this?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
