My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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