he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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