my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
