I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
