Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just pynch a tree in the face
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
