there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
