I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
