please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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