remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
