FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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