I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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