my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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