Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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