she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
