I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
