he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
