Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
