I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
