I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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