big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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