Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
