I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
