i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
